Last Meal

  by: mndsm

So I was sitting at work today, trying to kill some time. We for whatever reason were discussing food, when a thought occurred to me. Sure, thoughts occur to me all the time, but this one seemed different. What would I have for my last meal if I were going to be put to death?

This isn't as easy as it sounds. You have to remember, you're in prison. You are going to die in less than 24 hours, if you don't manage to get a stay of execution. You are limited to what the kitchen staff can cook, so ultra-exotic stuff is out. Forget about alcohol and cigarettes, if you can't get it into a prison, you cannot have it. What do you want, within those limits? Regulations seem to vary from state to state as to the limit of what you can order price wise, so for the purpose of my thoughts, I'm not holding myself to a budget. Hell, I'm going to die, I might as well eat well, right?

#1- One 16 oz ribeye steak, medium rare. I'd ask for filet mignon, but I would guess my chances to be better on getting a ribeye, and out of all the regularly available cuts of meat, ribeye is the tastiest to me. I'd order larger than a 16 oz, BUT, I have to eat all of this. I'm going to need more room.

#2- 1lb thick cut bacon, crispy fried. I love bacon, and bacon goes with everything. Seriously. It does. Bacon cheeseburgers, bacon wrapped filet mignon, BLT's, bacon and eggs, the possibilities are endless. I ask for one pound, quite simply. I want this much because I can eat half that amount in the process of frying bacon, and I'm going to die. Might as well change my name to Greased Lightning.

#3 1 jar of Dole Mandarin Oranges in light syrup. I love these little buggers. I can sit and eat what would amount to a food service sized can, in one sitting. I have gone to places like Old Country Buffet, and made half of my meal these little wedges of goodness. As I sit here, there is a jar of them in the fridge calling my name. I really, REALLY like these things. I have to imagine any quality prison could supply me with these things.

#4 1 bowl of soft serve vanilla ice cream. No sauce. Sure it seems odd, but it serves two purposes. First, I like vanilla ice cream. Has a light flavor, goes easy with everything, and I don't think it really needs any saucing if it's quality ice cream. Second, it's a great pallet cleanser. When you're dealing with several conflicting and very strong flavors, sometimes your taste buds need a break. I want to enjoy this stuff after all. Plus, it quells the gut rot that I am sure to encounter with the whole hogging down a steak and a pound of bacon thing.

#5 1 1/2 gallon jug of Tropical Punch Kool Aid. I've been a believer in the colored sugar water since the days of yore. I never gave up my affinity for the stuff, and it stands to this day. Not a grocery trip goes by that I don't check the cupboard to see if there is enough to last me to the next run. Sitting next to the jar of oranges in my fridge, is a jug of red Kool Aid. I love my drinks to be sweet, and Kool Aid fits the bill to a T.

#6 2 20 oz bottles of Sierra Mist. There have been many contenders to the throne of lemon lime soda. Sprite, 7up, Bubble Up, as well as a host of other minor league and store brand varieties. I was a loyal Sprite drinker, and then Sierra Mist came along. It was love at first sip. Not quite as sugary as Sprite, a little less carbonation, and just the right amount of tartness. Plus when it's ice cold, nothing quenches thirst quite like a Sierra Mist. (Before you think I'm stumping for Pepsi, I'm not. I like what I like, and frankly, Pepsi won't return my calls for an endorsement deal. Seems as if there isn't a giant market for fat useless white guys schlepping drinks.)

And really, that's about it. I'm sure that if this were real, i'd think a lot more about it. I dig seafood a ton, so there might be room for a piece of fish or some shrimp, or maybe some crab legs. Condiments weren't a consideration, but they probably should be. All I'd need is some butter. Salted butter. REAL BUTTER. But that's about it. It's a tough thing to think about, since I live in a no-kill state, and I never plan on committing murder. But it is interesting to think about what a death row inmate thinks about.

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