Nekko Noir
=^_^=
Boo!!! Lame!!!
The Official Joke Thread Please keep it somewhat SFW Kthx
- Thread starter RoadRageMotors
- Start date
dmention7
Hater
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of
Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their
reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have
only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.
They are Russian."
Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their
reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have
only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.
They are Russian."
Jesse MS3GT
Querulous
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
dmention7
Hater
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a loud noise came
from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed
and yelled at the man "Shit! That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked he
jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed
himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then
he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the
woman "I'm your husband, you slut!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah? Why were you running? You
son of a bitch!"
Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a loud noise came
from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed
and yelled at the man "Shit! That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked he
jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed
himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then
he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the
woman "I'm your husband, you slut!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah? Why were you running? You
son of a bitch!"
dmention7
Hater
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day
discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we have the
Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the Roman
Empire."
And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought
would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said,
"We Greeks invented sex!"
The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women."
discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we have the
Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the Roman
Empire."
And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought
would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said,
"We Greeks invented sex!"
The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women."
dmention7
Hater
DOG HAIKU
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
The cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
My owners' mood is
Romantic--I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
The cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
My owners' mood is
Romantic--I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
dmention7
Hater
A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning
in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her
fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside.
Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress.
The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the
windows. Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative
manner. Still, the man just keeps working away. Taking her
striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and
panties and begins parading around her room. The window washer
still takes no notice of her.
Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands
there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.
At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, "What's
the matter, lady, haven't you ever seen a window washer before?"
in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her
fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside.
Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress.
The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the
windows. Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative
manner. Still, the man just keeps working away. Taking her
striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and
panties and begins parading around her room. The window washer
still takes no notice of her.
Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands
there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.
At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, "What's
the matter, lady, haven't you ever seen a window washer before?"
dmention7
Hater
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by
the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed
a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course,
went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position I could get her into!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she
pretty?"
"Dunno. Never found her head."
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by
the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed
a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course,
went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position I could get her into!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she
pretty?"
"Dunno. Never found her head."
Nekko Noir
=^_^=
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh...
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh...
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
W
WhiteSpy9
Guest
RoadRageMotors
New Member
i return and i bring jokes
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al.
"That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says:
"If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny,
~~~~~
~~~~
~~~
~~
~
"because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al.
"That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says:
"If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny,
~~~~~
~~~~
~~~
~~
~
"because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
RoadRageMotors
New Member
the talking dog
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
dmention7
Hater
These crack me up....
Funny actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong
Kong:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous
rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's
hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the
scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your
manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your
aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the
short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your
gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to
form a team up together and go into the country to inflict
the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant
lizard person.
Funny actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong
Kong:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous
rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's
hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the
scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your
manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your
aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the
short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your
gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to
form a team up together and go into the country to inflict
the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant
lizard person.
dmention7
Hater
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom Is
baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over
his face. "Mom,look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in
the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look papa,
I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and
says "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira,
abuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in
the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white
for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans.
baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over
his face. "Mom,look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in
the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look papa,
I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and
says "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira,
abuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in
the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white
for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans.
Z
Z-licious
Guest
What did the lesbian vampires say to eachother?
"See you again in a month?"
"See you again in a month?"
Workdawg
NARWHAL
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