The Official Joke Thread Please keep it somewhat SFW Kthx

[dmention7]

BUMP FROM THE DEAD!


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole
of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag
called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner
didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and
pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large
telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other
friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my
house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right.
This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow,
I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there
with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time
I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her
in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still
for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the
man impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I
think I can save you a grand here..."

 

[dmention7]

Q: What do a fat chick and a pallet of shingles have in common?









A: Eventually, they will both be nailed by a Mexican

 

[AJ]

:roll:

 

[YSOSLO]

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

 

[YSOSLO]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

 

[JohnnyT]

Q: What do a fat chick and a pallet of shingles have in common?

A: Eventually, they will both be nailed by a Mexican

I've heard something very similar:

Q: What does a fat chick and a pile of bricks have in common?

A: Eventually, they'll both get laid by a Mexican.

 

[YSOSLO]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go, John.'
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.'

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:



'Is that one word, or two?'

 

[dmention7]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

That one made me lol... mostly because I thought that post was one long joke, and I didn't expect the punch line right away.

 

[YSOSLO]

Glad you liked it Jay.....some more:

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

 

[YSOSLO]

Yo momma's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake.

Yo momma's so old, she farts out mummy dust.

Yo momma's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples.

Yo momma's so old, she sat next to Jesus in third grade.

Yo momma's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo momma's so old & ugly, her name is Ape.

Yo momma's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white.

Yo momma's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.

Yo momma's so old, she watches PBS.

Yo momma's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus.

Yo momma's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

Yo momma's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.

Yo momma's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

Yo momma's so old, she drove a chariot to high school.

Yo momma's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license.

Yo momma's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.

Yo momma's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.

Yo momma's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.

Yo momma's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Yo momma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.

Yo momma's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo momma's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket.

Yo momma's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.

Yo momma's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus.

Yo momma's so old, her social security number is 1.

Yo momma's so old, her birth-certificate expired.

Yo momma's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo momma's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.

Yo momma's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.

Yo momma's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo momma's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block.

Yo momma's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel.

Yo momma's so old, she owes Moses a quarter.

Yo momma's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.

Yo momma's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo momma's so old, when god said "let there be light" she was there to flick the switch.

Yo momma's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other side fishing.

Yo momma's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.

Yo momma's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park.

Yo momma's so old, her birthday expired.

Yo momma's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs.

Yo momma's so old, she co-wrote the ten commandments.

Yo momma's so old, she has an autographed bible.

Yo momma's so big, her belly button's got an echo.

Yo momma's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.

Yo momma's so big, she roller-skates on busses.

Yo momma's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.

Yo momma's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.

Yo momma's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.

Yo momma's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.

Yo momma's so big, she whistles bass.Yo momma's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.

Yo momma's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

Yo momma's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.

Yo momma's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!

Yo momma's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.

Yo momma's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac

Yo momma's so fat, when we played hide and seek I spotted her behind the Himalayas

Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat, the whale from Free Willy freed her

Yo momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock

Yo momma's so fat, when she bends over we miss 2 days of sunlight

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate

Yo momma's so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house the tires pop.

Yo momma's so fat, she don't know whether she's walking or rolling.

Yo momma's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat, when she farts the whole planet came out.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so fat, her car is made of spandex.

Yo momma's so fat, we're inside her right now.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Yo momma's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting her got lost in her.

Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Yo momma's so fat, if she were an aeroplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.

Yo momma's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.

Yo momma's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.

Yo momma's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts.

Yo momma's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees.

Yo momma's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help.

Yo mama' so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!

Yo momma's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo momma's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.

Yo momma's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.

Yo momma's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo momma's so fat, when she works at the movie theatre, she works as the screen.

Yo momma's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.

Yo momma's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo momma's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:

"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

Yo momma's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.

Yo momma's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.

Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo momma's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.

Yo momma's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.

Yo momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo momma's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo momma's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo momma's so fat, her picture takes two frames.

Yo momma's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.

Yo momma's so fat, she could sell shade.

Yo momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo momma's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

Yo momma's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves for your car.

Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."

Yo momma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo momma's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.

Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.

Yo momma's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.

Yo momma's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Yo momma's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.

Yo momma's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.

Yo momma's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease.Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Delta a Airlines was a sorority.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

Yo momma's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo momma's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.

Yo momma's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd help his unemployment.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job.

Yo momma's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.

Yo momma's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen the bitch since.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of a clean glass.

Yo momma's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.

Yo momma's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater.

Yo momma's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a shit.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911".

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.

Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Yo momma's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo momma's so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo momma's so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo momma's so ugly they push her face into dough to make cookies.

Yo momma's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo momma's so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo momma's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo momma's so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo momma's so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras

Yo momma's so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo momma's so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo momma's so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"

Yo momma's so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo momma's so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo momma's so ugly she made an onion cry.

Yo momma's so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

Yo momma's so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

Yo momma's so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo momma's so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!

Yo momma's so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo momma's so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo momma's so ugly the NHL banned her for life

Yo momma's so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints

Yo momma's so ugly people go as her for Halloween.

Yo momma's so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

Yo momma's so ugly she scares the roaches away.

Yo momma's so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo momma's so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

 

[mOjO]

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a
color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over
the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S
GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later for now suffice it to say that we must never allow
it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)


Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The
instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result! .' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to
drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for
something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what w ould happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the nex t moment, I was back in the other room, waking
up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.


I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER


Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous......A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
before or after their colonoscopies:


1.Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!




2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. Can you hear me NOW?'


4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'


6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


10. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. You used to be an legislator, didn't you?'


12. God, now I know why I am not gay.'


13. How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'


And the best one of all

14. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?

 

[JohnnyT]

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Can't wait, see you tonight.

Regards, David.

 

[JohnnyT]

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled ownwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had
those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might first think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.

 

[StealthSpeed3]

One day this gay guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender "what do you do for fun here?" The bartender says "we play beer fart football." The gay guy asks "how do you play that?" the bartender says "go ask that big dude over in the corner," so he went over there and asked the dude how to play beer fart football. The dude said "first you chug down a mug for the touchdown and then u bend over and fart for the extra point so the gay dude says "yea ill play." So he chugs a mug in about 5 gulps and bends over and farts for the extra point then the big dude chugs it down in 2 gulps then he bends over pulls his down and the gay dude gets behind him and says "block that kick!" "block that kick!"

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
"Why? Don't ye believe me?"

Signs You Have a Hangover:

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning, " is "Shut up!"

 

[dmention7]

An Aussie goes into a gentleman's club and steps up to the
bar. The bartender asks, "What will it be, sir?" The
Aussie say, "I'll have a scotch and soda," and indicating
a lady at the other end of the bar, he continues, "And buy
that old douchbag a drink."

The bartender says, "Sir, this is a gentleman's club and
our lady patrons are only referred to in gentlemanly terms.
Now what will you have?"

The Aussie repeats, "I'll have a scotch and soda and I'll
buy that old douchebag a drink."

The bartender, quite pissed off, says, "Sir, this is a
gentleman's club and our lady patrons are only referred in
complimentary terms. Now, what will you have?"

The Aussie says, "I'll have a scotch and water and buy that
old douchebag a drink."

The exasperated bartender turns to the lady and says, "This
gentleman would like to buy you a drink. What'll you have."

The blonde lady say, perkily, "Oh, how about a vinegar and
water."

 

[dmention7]

An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter
for the local paper. During the interview the reporter
noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages
playing together. A very pretty young woman of about 20 served
the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and
running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied
with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful
young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your
children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be
more than 20 or 21 years old!"

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105
and she being only 20," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night.
Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning
six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it
only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six
of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights
'em!"

 

[AJ]

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack PS, you let go

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have became a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....
Sincerely, The Pope

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely, Waldo

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber

Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

 

[StealthSpeed3]

Two men, a priest and an atheist, are playing golf. At the green on the first hole, the atheist, lines up for a short two-foot putt, taps the ball, and the ball slips around the edge of the cup and does not go in. "Dammit, I missed!" exclaims the atheist.

The priest tells the atheist that he shouldn't curse, because God will punish the atheist for doing so.

On the second hole, the atheist tries a particularly aggressive chip shot to get the ball onto the green and instead lands in a sand bunker. "Dammit I missed!" exclaimed the atheist, to which the priest again issued a warning about God punishing those who curse.

The round continues in much the same way, with the atheist continuing to exclaim "Dammit I missed!" every time he hits an errant ball (which is quite often), and the priest continues to admonish him about God's wrath.

Finally, they get to the eighteenth hole and the score is tied. The atheist needs to make a two-foot putt in order to win. He taps the ball, and again he misses, and again, he curses his miss.

Before the priest can respond, the clouds in the sky open up, and a bolt of lightning shoots out and hits the priest, killing him.

Then, from the cloud comes a loud voice "Dammit, I missed."

______

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".